I’m discovering more and more that I’m meant to help others. I’m a giver, a lover, an empathic being. I truly feel that I’ve been put on this planet to help others. To be a light in a world that’s far too dark. The catch is that I suck at making connections. My anxiety and fear of huring others gets in the way. I need a way to break out of this rut that I’ve been in for many years now.
I know how it started. I’ve always been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. I tried to help save my mother from her problems with alcohol and gambling. Time and time again I failed so I eventually shut the door on the hopes of helping her. For years, I didn’t bother trying. Now that she’s showing improvement I know that I could have never saved her from herself she had to save herself.
After I let go of the thought of saving Mum I thought I was doing better but I was wrong. I was just trying to save someone else, Kaw. In the end, Kaw turned my empathy against me. Convincing me that I was crazy and that all I did was harm others. To him I was the monster that I feared becoming and he convinced me that this was true.
Over time I closed myself to others. I let very few in. Now, I’m feeling that pull to help again. This time I’m wiser and I know that I can’t let everyone under my skin.
I know I can find a cause I believe in. I don’t know if I want to dedicate myself to just one cause or several or a group of people who has the resources to help others. I do know that whatever the case I’m going to be picky as hell. I don’t want my hard work to be put into the wrong thing. For now, I’m going to be researching and talking to people about social issues, and whatnot.
I will find a way to help others I just need to gather my guts and find the resources to do it in a way that I believe in.
I’m annoyed so I’m going to whine at you all for a bit. You can imagine this in a whiny little brat voice if you’d like.
Why can’t the things I plan go the way I want them to go? I had plans to go to a Pagan get-together this Saturday for well over a month but it’s Memorial Day weekend and everyone’s going on vacation so I’m stuck watching someone else’s dogs while they spend their time on vacation. The other two people who could/should be doing this are also going out of town. This means the task falls on me.
Why can’t I have one day a month work out so I can go to these things. Everyone else wants to go to church EVERY Sunday. All I ask for is to get a chance to go to “church” once a month. If it’s not Fal not having the day off (stupid retail) it’s someone forcing their responsibilities on me. You know what, whatever. I’ll just do it…
*In a much happier tone*
And now just I got a text saying that someone else can do it. Yay, all I have to do is complain and things work out. That’s the second time in this fiasco that something like this has happened. If I ever do dogsit for these people again I’m going to make sure things are MUCH more planned out. This isn’t very good on my anxiety.
*sighs* My anxiety in the most frustrating part of my mental illness. It’s the one part that I can’t seem to get under control no matter how hard I try. I wish I knew where to turn for help. I’ve tried all sorts of anti-anxiety head meds and they all make me feel so bad that I’d just as soon just have an anxiety attack than take them. I’ve tried marijuana (Indica) and it helps but makes me a strange mix of OCD, hyper, and spacey. I don’t know why either. Indica is supposed to calm you down not make you hyper. I wish I could just understand my strange brain for once.
Anyway, this has just become a mixed mental dump so I’ll say farewell for now. If you’re still reading this thanks you a moment of you time.
How is everyone doing? Well I hope. Today is the day that I start being more open and honest with myself and others. I want to tell my story and share my experiences in hopes of reaching at least someone who can relate and possibly benefit from my life lessons.
Before I jump right into posting about my life on here are some things that you should know about me:
- I’m pansexual – meaning that I don’t see gender as deciding factor in who I get close to on an intimate level. I’m more attracted to one’s mind over their body.
- I’m polyamours. No, I’m not a cheater my partners know about each other and are fine with me being with other people. If there’s an issue we work together to fix it on our own.
- I consider myself gender other but not entirely trans. My primary partner IS a trans man who has been open about his decision to transition for about seven months.
- I’m a practicing Pagan, who’s trying to reach out to the Pagan community after being a solitary Witch for most of my life.
- I’m overweight and working on getting in shape. To me it’s a journey and every step in the right direction is a win.
- I smoke pot from time to time. Yes, I live in a place where it’s legal. Yes, I understand the risks of doing it. No, it’s not an issue for me, and no, I don’t want to quit. If I did I would so don’t bother getting uppity with me about it.
- I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have been diagnosed with a multitude of mental illnesses and I still don’t completely know what it is/how to cope with my mental illness. I’m actively working to better understand these issues. Maybe if I can better understand my issues I can help others to understand themselves.
- I’m not entirely for either of the two major US political parties. For some reason this concept seems to confuse people. It’s like you must be either a Democrat or a Republican and there’s no other party out there. This pisses me off greatly.
- If my blood family ever found out about most of this I’d never hear the end of it so I’ve kept so much to myself. I don’t want to have to do that anymore.
There’s a strong chance that some if not all these topics will come up in my posts at one time or another so you’ve been warned.
Now, if there’s anyone left reading this. Let’s get on with the introduction. I’m not too great with the typical introduction but here it goes…
My name’s Derema Phoenixia. Coming from the words “dream” and “phoenix.” I’ve been living in the Pacific Northwest for about four years now. I love this place and though the cost of living is crazy I’m happy to call this area home. I’m originally from Kansas but I’ve lived in northern Nevada for most of my life. I’m open-minded and love learning about new places and ways of life.
Yeah, that’s about all I can think of for now. I hope you all enjoy getting to know me and reading about my life’s happenings.
Welcome to the place where I come to write about whatever I have on my mind at the time. Some of this may not be very safe for work and/or may bother some individuals. If you’re easily offended/triggered by swearing, random rants/rambles, bad humor, LGBTQ, or anything else that may be offensive you probably should click the back button.
To everyone else I offer my warmest welcome. I hope you enjoy a glimpse of what’s in my head.