The Helper

I’m discovering more and more that I’m meant to help others. I’m a giver, a lover, an empathic being. I truly feel that I’ve been put on this planet to help others. To be a light in a world that’s far too dark. The catch is that I suck at making connections. My anxiety and fear of huring others gets in the way. I need a way to break out of this rut that I’ve been in for many years now.

I know how it started. I’ve always been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. I tried to help save my mother from her problems with alcohol and gambling. Time and time again I failed so I eventually shut the door on the hopes of helping her. For years, I didn’t bother trying. Now that she’s showing improvement I know that I could have never saved her from herself she had to save herself.

After I let go of the thought of saving Mum I thought I was doing better but I was wrong. I was just trying to save someone else, Kaw. In the end, Kaw turned my empathy against me. Convincing me that I was crazy and that all I did was harm others. To him I was the monster that I feared becoming and he convinced me that this was true.

Over time I closed myself to others. I let very few in. Now, I’m feeling that pull to help again. This time I’m wiser and I know that I can’t let everyone under my skin.

I know I can find a cause I believe in. I don’t know if I want to dedicate myself to just one cause or several or a group of people who has the resources to help others. I do know that whatever the case I’m going to be picky as hell. I don’t want my hard work to be put into the wrong thing. For now, I’m going to be researching and talking to people about social issues, and whatnot.

I will find a way to help others I just need to gather my guts and find the resources to do it in a way that I believe in.

~Derema~

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